Scientific Research on the Safety of Wifi

Over the past year or so, there has been an increasing concern among people in our community that Wifi signals are dangerous to our health. From parents who claim their students are being harmed by wifi in the classroom to dutch researchers who believe wifi may be killing the trees, there is no shortage of alarmist vitriol out there surround wifi. Being a big fan of technology and an expert researcher, I decided it was time to do my own research on the safety of wifi. The results of my study may shock you.

Disclaimer: no animals or people were harmed in conducting this research.

So my research project was simple–blast a dog with wifi signals and see if he dies from it. Starting last summer, I procured a chocolate lab puppy and set up his bed next to a wireless router that is blasting out both a 2.4ghz signal and a 5ghz signal. For good measure, I always had my wireless phone and cell phone around too, although I cannot confirm a consistant dose of these waves on the puppy.

Almost a year later, the results are simply astonishing. Not only have the wifi signals not killed the dog, but it appears they have actually make him grow dramatically bigger, smarter and stronger. Over the course of 8 months, the puppy went from being a small runt weighing less then 10 pounds to a beast standing nearly 2 feet tall and weighing over 70lbs. Furthermore, the dogs problem solving skills have dramatically improved, making complex tasks like fetch and retrieve that were once difficult to be almost routine.

Shocking, I know.

What does this mean? In the absence of ANY OTHER possible explanation, we can conclude from this study that far for harming us, wifi signals are actually making us bigger, stronger and smarter. While this has only worked with one subject, I am certain if I were to acquire another puppy we would see similar results. The power of wifi is just that strong.

This is great news for human kind and, as a doctor who you should absolutely trust, I am happy to finally put this debate to a close.