In a recent interview, Stephen Hawking made the claim that heaven exists only in fairy tale to comfort those afraid of death. This shouldn’t be a surprising revelation given his past comments that God doesn’t exist nor did he create the universe. We have unconfirmed reports that he did not consider the Chocolate Lab Paradox before making this claim.
Perhaps in a bid to become relevant again, Kirk Cameron (former actor and village idiot) decided to throw off his actors clothes and put on his scientist smocks, claiming that Hawking was wrong because “he cannot provide evidence for his unscientific belief that out of nothing, everything came.” Cameron then went on to roll out all of his scientific evidence that God created everything and heaven exists. Just kidding, he has nothing. So it appeared as though we were on our way to the academic battle of the century, which makes sense because of how their educational histories are so comparable. In Hawking we have one of the most important scientific minds in human history and in Cameron we have someone who was a sitcom shill until he drank the kool-aid and tumbled down the evangelical rabbit hole.
Unfortunately, though, there will not be an intellectual throw-down because Cameron doesn’t think it would be a fair to pick on a cripple (via E! Online). Yep, Kirk Cameron actually said to E! News:
“To say anything negative about Stephen Hawking is like bullying a blind man. He has an unfair disadvantage, and that gives him a free pass on some of his absurd ideas. Professor Hawking is heralded as ‘the genius of Britain,’ yet he believes in the scientific impossibility that nothing created everything and that life sprang from non-life.”
To be fair, Kirk, I think it’s actually a bit more like bullying a man in a wheelchair. It’s fun to snicker at the “He has no proof, and therefore, my proofless claim is more true” statement, but I am truly astonished that more people aren’t piling on this horrifying example of ablism. It is offensive and wrong to denigrate all the work Hawking has done by implying he has only been able to do what he has done because no one will question him because of his disability. I have no doubt in my mind, largely because of the huge amount of evidence, that Hawking’s work has gone through the same rigorous scrutiny that other scientists go through. Further, to belittle his ideas simply because he’s in a chair is flabbergasting.
But maybe Cameron is right. Maybe us crips do get a free pass for some absurd ideas. Therefore, I submit to you the following list of truths which you are not allowed to question because I’m in a wheelchair:
- Gravity is the physical manifestation of the Earth’s sexual attraction to humanity. If the Earth discovers we are cheating on it with Mars, we are sure to be jettisoned into space.
- Nuclear Power Plants generate power by forcing Giants to rub their feet on a giant piece of carpet and then touching a wire that blasts the power to our home.
- Windmills are warping our brains and killing us with super sonic sounds.
- Mayor Joe Fontana is actually a robot sent from the future to save us from death by taxation.
- Rain is just God’s pee. You don’t want to know what snow is.